I’m alive. I know you’re disappointed, but so am I.

[i'm listening to this and trying to think from your prespective. what do i mean to you?]

Leave

(Glen Hansard)

I can’t wait forever is all that you said
Before you stood up
And you won’t disappoint me
I can do that myself
But I’m glad that you’ve come
Now if you don’t mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don’t understand, you’ve already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it’s out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it’s come
If you don’t mind

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave…

ps: i think i should delete you in my msn. If what i’ve guessed is correct, you’ve already set me to your “limited profile” list. What’s the use of keeping u in msn messenger anyway?

i dont understand why i still get bothered by these things. i was the one who left first. guess i was the least emotionally, physically, mentally unprepared one.

i’m sorry i’m being so emotional. I do believe i meant something to you than just a toy for emotional masturbation. i pray i’m not wrong in this… for once, let something i believe in be true.

a girl

i’m afraid of a girl i dont even know. *dry laugh*

i’m afraid she’ll ask me, oh, ur his friend? what shall i do when she asks me how i know her? oh, i knew u through a fren’s blog. penang is small world, what can i say?

so u know him?

yeah.

she’ll wonder what i see in him. but she’ll reasoned everybody has their freedom to choose their friends. and what can i say? yeah, she’s completely right.

what if we talked about him? what if she attacks him? what should i say?

i’m not defending him. Everybody makes mistakes.

yes. that’s y i’ll learn never to repeat the same mistake again.

…and thats probably the end of the discussion. yes, i can claim i’m not defending him, but actually i am. i know deep down i am, i’m still on his side and i hope she will forgive him. even though it goes against all my philosophical principles, this is how i feel. goddamn it, i’m a hypocrite! and that’s probably why she’ll never listen to me, coz she knows i’m his friend, whatever she says wont make a difference because i’m on his side. so what am i doing?

i’m having all these make up conversations in my mind, and i havent even talked to her. god. what am i doing?

r u jealous? no. maybe. i dont know. what’s there to be jealous about? you’re jealous coz she has a place in his heart. that’s why ur making up all these conversations. ur trying, or at least, having the notion that one day u might overtake her.

is it? am i doing that? no, not really. a small part, yes, but i think its still under my control. it doesnt have to blow up into a big issue. its not worth it anyway.

i wish she would just disappear from my mind.

this is for you

Samson

(Regina Spektor)

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was short when we first met

Samson went back to class
Not much words left to say
She ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to class
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn’t mention us
And the bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the snow came fallin’ on our heads
But they’re just old light, they’re just old light
Your hair was short when we first met

Samson came to my desk
Told me that my hair was short
Told me I was cute and came into my seat
Oh I cut my heart myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And she told me that I’d done alright
And left me ’til the mornin’ light, the mornin’ light
And she left me ’til the mornin’ light

Samson went back to class
had some make-up on her face
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to seat
Oh, we couldn’t bring the bars down
Yeah we couldn’t destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn’t mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

love song?

How long do you have to know someone before you know you love them?
- infatuation doesnt take long— love does.

What hurts more being in love or being with out the one you love?
- anyone who says ” of course it is being withOUT the one you love” doesnt know a fucking thing about love

Do you know why they call it “falling in love”?
- because you fall……and fall….and fall from the headstrong, tough person u once were, and u feel as if u cant survive one day without talking to the other person. u cant go by a moment without feeling their presence in all you do, all the memories, that make u smile while ur in class or eating lunch with friends or just walking to ur car…yeah, tat’s what i call “falling from grace”

What is the hardest thing about good bye?
- the sick feeling that you’re never gonna see them again

Have you ever broke up with someone you really loved?
- Yeah

Have you ever been forced to choose between family and one you love?
- always. it’s an ongoing battle that ends on the day, i either move out to North Pole, or my boyfriend is a damn mummy’s boy

Do you regret breakin up with someone?
- yes.

Are you with the person you are meant to be with?
- i’m not with anyone darling

Which is more confusing life or love?
- Love is life. so basically the same thing? hehe

How many times have you truly been in love?
- i have no idea…..in love? by my definition or urs? if its according to mine…..once. bittersweet.

What’s more important love or money?
- pray ur boyfriend loves money too XDD

When you look back at your last relationship was it worth the pain?
- it was worth every bloody second

Have you ever said I Love You and not meant it?
- yes. no. i love you, just not in that way.

Do you think Love is easy?
- hardly. *bitter laugh*

Do you think life would be worthwhile without love?
- it’s not possible to live without love. love stripped naked is life.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
- if you loved and lost and learnt nothing at all, then you might as well have never loved at all

Would you change anything about your current relationship?
- date me, i’ll see D

Do you think your last failed relationship could have been saved?
- no. but i think our friendship could have been. (oh, ur talking abt d LAST one? oops. no, my answer is still no, but i deluded myself into thinking it would hav lasted longer until i was ready to let go of ..u)

Would it have been worth it?
- it’s better than being enemies…. and then flipping through ur high school group photos, letters, memorials n realising u miss that person, right? (aahhh~ it might. might not. i don’t know, honestly)

Have you ever wondered what could have been with an ex?
- always on my mind

Is there anything that you wish you could have said to an ex?
- i care for you. don’t do stupid things to urself. get a grip, because i still care about you.

Why did your last relationship fail?
- i was immature, bold, guilt-stricken, and immature, immature and immature

Do you take the blame when your wrong?
- i do

How do you express your love?
- by doing all i can for u

Do you forgive loved ones easily?
- I usually do tat in spite of the deteriment of my mental health D

Was your last relationship a happy one?
- It was. some moments

Are you happy now?
- not sure

Is there one person that makes you happier than normal?
- um…tat person changes everyday heheh

Are you satisfied with your love life as of right now?
- my love live is non-existent, dude

Describe your perfect match.
- i don’t believe in setting a perfect match, cause if u fall, then u really FALL. pretty much ntg else can change ur heart, correct? but i do set a few conditions: please be understanding. Please listen. and please dont be so narrow-minded like my parents. bottom line: i’ll know a perfect match when i find one, duh!

Do you think you have your standards set to high?
- no, its relatively low.

Do you believe there is a perfect man/woman?
- perfect depends on ur thinking

Do you believe there is a perfect relationship?
- refer to above

Do you think all is fair in love and war?
- love is war!!!! lolx! most of the time but not in the most basic form….hehehe

Say I love you to 3 people you hold dear to tag them.
- yan shan!
- alex

- ..brandon

you

you judge, judge and judge. and one day you wonder why i’m gone, i’ve changed to this new person, because its not me who’s changed, it’s just you… who weren’t listening, and sure as hell wasn’t looking hard enough.

you asked me to tell, because you say you’ll listen. But you prefer that ’some things are best not known.’ So how can i tell you? When you don’t even want to listen??

I know some things are hard to listen and accept. I understand that you’re jealous. But if you cant listen, then what for? why be another name on the Friends list who i can’t be myself with, somebody whom i have to watch my words, bottle up what i really want to say to ur face and listen, listen, listen and listen till my ears die and fall off every-single-goddamn-time?

I listened to you. I understood you. (or tried to) and you ? what did you do for me?

YES! You bought presents for me. You bought kamenashi’s photo books for me. Thank you, wow, thank you so much. You thought that was what i wanted, didnt you? material stuff?? ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do you really understand me at all? or is your understanding only, skin deep?

I’m loading your song “Gone, going” right now. I want to listen to it. And see how much you misunderstood me. Your best friend, the one that is kinda like a soulmate to me now.

I have a feeling nothing will work out even if we talked about this. No insight gained. No compromise worked out. No ground covered. Yeah, the only thing that is reached is the tired, resigned sigh of each other on the other line.

I’m really sad that we became this way. Perhaps this is all my fault. i don’t hate you. I don’t think of you as a nobody to me. Perhaps that is what makes it harder to let go.

You’re right. My soul is gone. And you sure are right, like every goddamn time. Don’t you just love it when you’re right all the time? Ha, ha!

You never understood me, do you? You never, really tried. Like i said in the beginning, all you ever good at doing is judge, and judge, and judge.

So what if i want to fit in? Why is so wrong to want to belong in some place? Why is it so wrong to seek acceptance? Doesn’t everybody look for it in some point of their lives? Why is it so hard for you to support me, encourage me, understand my need, help me look for ways i can try to fit in, at least, as a normal person?

(or is it because you can’t?)

You express disappointment. And i can’t, just because i care about your feelings??

I don’t know how to approach this subject with you. I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a pathetic, weak, needy, emotional, adolescent girl with the 6-year-maturity-gap. And so i created an argument (like this), deliberately, so i feel its safe, normal, inpathetic for me to crawl out and hurl sarcastic remarks. It’s acceptable in an argument right? you can get mad in arguments, because generally it’s an acceptable emotion, but when you try to talk issues out and when it fails and you cry, its not an acceptable emotion.

How do i tell you you’re not listening enough? How do i tell you to listen, when you don’t even want to in the first place? And what makes you think that telling you that is gonna change matters? If you could change, you would have changed a long time ago, wouldn’t you?