so sick

people change. you say people change, but i don’t.

i say, are you the same person 5 years ago?

do you think you’re the same person who couldnt decide which girl you liked more, jasryn or her best friend?

do you think you’re the same person who couldnt decide which girl’s attention you liked better, jasryn or her bestie?

yes. perhaps in some ways, we all are. i still have some parts of the old me. but we’re not the same. thats the difference.

i’m tired of being misunderstood. sick, disgusted, disappointed, and… tired. especially when the person you’re the closest to,  who you thought knew you inside out– turned out to be the one who understood the least.

we were similar in the beginning. Now, the closer we get, the more different we are.

the opposite of malleable

malleable opposite rigid.

but i prefer the word tough. coz it defines us more accurately.

last time it used to be malleable. it may be tough, the pressure may come on strong and tsunami-like, but it endures. it adapts, recreates our friendship and attracts us closer.

now it’s still strong. or is it tough?

we still are together. but it feels as if, we’ve gotten hard. In fact, if one day somebody picked us up and threw us to the floor, we’d break into a million tiny pieces. -PIANG- there goes our friendship. it doesnt go down the drain. coz that would be more natural, flowing and gradual sort of friendship. that depletes by itself. this one is more like it’s been stuck in the drain pipe for some time, clogged. Unable to go its natural course. coz we’re both so stubbornly loyal to each other.

so, is it time to let go?

does it make me the one who gave up the fight?

have i wronged all your efforts?

i know you mean well, that’s why you always advise me. but perhaps it works better for you. it doesn’t for me.

the purpose of life which currently escapes me

frankly i dont know what’s important to me anymore.

my studies? i’m slacking.

my love? men/boys come and go…

the most important person? i dont know if i still have one.

if you want to ask me to be responsible, mature girl, you’ve got to do it another way. coz telling me this way isnt going to work.

you can use some sarcastic remark to ridicule me, make me feel stupid, to rile me up, to patronize me…and whatever else that you havent hurled my way. you think it’ll work?

but i digress. coz you’re my friend, and whatever advice a friend who only wants the best for you has to be listened. for friend’s sake. for your sake, i will try to bite my tongue.

but please, try to understand. if you can’t, then.. don’t try to tell me what i should do.

let go

to let go, or not let go? that is the question.

i honestly believe its the best solution. However…

Doubt no.1: is letting go = giving up on friendship?

Doubt no.2: will you feel bitter about my decision?

Doubt no.3: am i doing the right thing?

i thought it was the right thing to stay by her side too. Until one day i hugged her. and she said hmm, xxx’s hug was better.

that somebody’s hug was warmer. had longer arms, that could engulf her completely in his arms. me? i lacked that men’s touch to it.

so….what more reason have i to stay? after all that we’ve been through, the only thing i had to offer her was comfort. if i can’t even offer her that, what more reason have i got to stay?

what she wants, i cannot seem to give. What i can give, she does not seem to want. so. why stay?

perhaps she had already knew i couldn’t give her what she want. Perhaps my closeness, my attachment had blinded me into thinking i could give her everything she wanted, anything she needed. as long as i was there, i will fulfill.

i’ve been through that. Now i’m telling it to you.

It’s not about sharing- sharing is something you do with a bag of sweets- but its about trying to say something profound. — Janice Galloway

It’s the same thing happening again. Can you understand?

attraction; the complications

yes, i like you.

i like your large, warm hands. they calm me. like they can protect me. and when i imagine them holding my waist, i go bonkers internally.

i like your face. its just so annoyingly attractive.

i like your hair too. you look hensem with that gold colour. and your silver earring somehow completes the picture. don’t single earring means gay? hor~

why is it that i find you so attractive? damn.

i cant imagine you reading this. i suppose it would freak the crap out of you.

but in the end, its all juat an illusion isnt it? i don’t really love you. it was just a fake, harmless attraction.

depressed

i’m depressed. period.

comfort me.

make me smile, cry, laugh, get even depressed, and then get better.

if..

i was so nervous, surprised, flattered that he put me on webcam. All through the session, he was showing me off subtlely. he tit-grabbed zaheer, possibly blackmailed him to call me “cute”, spying on fellow hi-tech co-workers, called the obviously busy Guru over..

he said, “I thought you might’ve been very happy to see me indeed “

i would, if you were my lover. but in actuality, you don’t mean that to me at all. so should i be ecstatic to see you on webcam?

one thing though. he seemed healthy. you know, the glowing healthy kind of look. happy internally and externally. and here i thought he was sick, miserable and gloomy in KL.

leahcim

i saw you today. i just happened to glance at the direction of the main entrance, and i saw you. you with ur bags, light blue suit and checkered-dark blue tie, with your clean pale skin that made up your face. It was such a hauntingly familiar face. but your expression. your expression was unsure, hesitant, as if you lost your principles to face adversary people and was for that moment, unsure of what you should do, react, of how you should treat that person.

i know i miss your company. humour-filled moments. d time when u opened up to me and showed me proof tat i’m at your much higher level of “friends”–close friends. and frankly i was kind of happy to see that sort of expression on your face. because it meant, despite all odds, i meant something to you. i had some effect on you. other wise u wouldnt have made that expression.

manusia paling berdosa

Tak Bisa Memilihmu

(Kerispatih)

jangan lagi kau sesali keputusanku
ku tak ingin kau semakin kan terluka
tak ingin ku paksakan cinta ini
meski tiada sanggup untuk kau terima
aku memang manusia paling berdosa
khianati rasa demi keinginan semu
lebih baik jangan mencintaiku aku dan semua hatiku
karena takkan pernah kau temui, cinta sejati

reff:
berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini
dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
sekalipun aku takkan pernah mencoba kembali padamu
sejuta kata maaf terasa kan percuma
sebab rasa ku tlah mati untuk menyadarinya
semoga saja kan kau dapati
hati yg tulus mencintaimu
tapi bukan aku

My hp keypad lock security is your birthday.

I saved most of our conversations.

i added you back on My Featured Friends.

its not because i love you. i am firmly sure, i’m do not love you.

its guilt.

and regret.

and sorrow.

if i had the conviction and will power to said no, i could have salvaged a lot of our friendship. i could have saved your tears. i could have saved you of sleepless night where you tortured yourself over the memories, i could have saved you of the barren, hollow, devoid of strength sensation when you’ve lost something so close, so precious. i could have saved you from going through all this, if only i had said no.

i know you’ll never forget me. i know that, even though later you’ll meet another fantastic person whom you’ll swear to love with all your heart, you’ll never completely erase me from your heart. i’ll always remain there. sometimes hidden, sometimes submerged beneath the new love you found for that other person, but nevertheless–still there.

i’m sorry for that. perhaps its because i know this, i always treat you preciously, delicately. perhaps i’ve underestimated you. you were made of something tougher, the survivor quality. even though at first glance its not really obvious. but you can make it. i believe that you can.

i dont even know what i did to deserve your love. perhaps i fulfilled your needs, just like you did mine. but i never fell in love with you. why did you? what did i do to deserve such a noble, pure power like love? i’m the lower consciousness breed of people, the ones who seduce and act to fulfill the other person’s needs and expect them to do the same. i’ve never loved another person. momoko came close though–one exception.

abandonment

i used to be scared of people abandoning me. when i thought i was going to lose somebody, the fear made me want to sob and, No.

but when it really did happen, it wasn’t such a big deal.

perhaps when your worst fears have come true, you have no longer anything to fear. why? because you no longer have anything to lose. but they… they have everything to lose.