the purpose of life which currently escapes me

frankly i dont know what’s important to me anymore.

my studies? i’m slacking.

my love? men/boys come and go…

the most important person? i dont know if i still have one.

if you want to ask me to be responsible, mature girl, you’ve got to do it another way. coz telling me this way isnt going to work.

you can use some sarcastic remark to ridicule me, make me feel stupid, to rile me up, to patronize me…and whatever else that you havent hurled my way. you think it’ll work?

but i digress. coz you’re my friend, and whatever advice a friend who only wants the best for you has to be listened. for friend’s sake. for your sake, i will try to bite my tongue.

but please, try to understand. if you can’t, then.. don’t try to tell me what i should do.

let go

to let go, or not let go? that is the question.

i honestly believe its the best solution. However…

Doubt no.1: is letting go = giving up on friendship?

Doubt no.2: will you feel bitter about my decision?

Doubt no.3: am i doing the right thing?

i thought it was the right thing to stay by her side too. Until one day i hugged her. and she said hmm, xxx’s hug was better.

that somebody’s hug was warmer. had longer arms, that could engulf her completely in his arms. me? i lacked that men’s touch to it.

so….what more reason have i to stay? after all that we’ve been through, the only thing i had to offer her was comfort. if i can’t even offer her that, what more reason have i got to stay?

what she wants, i cannot seem to give. What i can give, she does not seem to want. so. why stay?

perhaps she had already knew i couldn’t give her what she want. Perhaps my closeness, my attachment had blinded me into thinking i could give her everything she wanted, anything she needed. as long as i was there, i will fulfill.

i’ve been through that. Now i’m telling it to you.

It’s not about sharing- sharing is something you do with a bag of sweets- but its about trying to say something profound. — Janice Galloway

It’s the same thing happening again. Can you understand?

leahcim

i saw you today. i just happened to glance at the direction of the main entrance, and i saw you. you with ur bags, light blue suit and checkered-dark blue tie, with your clean pale skin that made up your face. It was such a hauntingly familiar face. but your expression. your expression was unsure, hesitant, as if you lost your principles to face adversary people and was for that moment, unsure of what you should do, react, of how you should treat that person.

i know i miss your company. humour-filled moments. d time when u opened up to me and showed me proof tat i’m at your much higher level of “friends”–close friends. and frankly i was kind of happy to see that sort of expression on your face. because it meant, despite all odds, i meant something to you. i had some effect on you. other wise u wouldnt have made that expression.

manusia paling berdosa

Tak Bisa Memilihmu

(Kerispatih)

jangan lagi kau sesali keputusanku
ku tak ingin kau semakin kan terluka
tak ingin ku paksakan cinta ini
meski tiada sanggup untuk kau terima
aku memang manusia paling berdosa
khianati rasa demi keinginan semu
lebih baik jangan mencintaiku aku dan semua hatiku
karena takkan pernah kau temui, cinta sejati

reff:
berakhirlah sudah semua kisah ini
dan jangan kau tangisi lagi
sekalipun aku takkan pernah mencoba kembali padamu
sejuta kata maaf terasa kan percuma
sebab rasa ku tlah mati untuk menyadarinya
semoga saja kan kau dapati
hati yg tulus mencintaimu
tapi bukan aku

My hp keypad lock security is your birthday.

I saved most of our conversations.

i added you back on My Featured Friends.

its not because i love you. i am firmly sure, i’m do not love you.

its guilt.

and regret.

and sorrow.

if i had the conviction and will power to said no, i could have salvaged a lot of our friendship. i could have saved your tears. i could have saved you of sleepless night where you tortured yourself over the memories, i could have saved you of the barren, hollow, devoid of strength sensation when you’ve lost something so close, so precious. i could have saved you from going through all this, if only i had said no.

i know you’ll never forget me. i know that, even though later you’ll meet another fantastic person whom you’ll swear to love with all your heart, you’ll never completely erase me from your heart. i’ll always remain there. sometimes hidden, sometimes submerged beneath the new love you found for that other person, but nevertheless–still there.

i’m sorry for that. perhaps its because i know this, i always treat you preciously, delicately. perhaps i’ve underestimated you. you were made of something tougher, the survivor quality. even though at first glance its not really obvious. but you can make it. i believe that you can.

i dont even know what i did to deserve your love. perhaps i fulfilled your needs, just like you did mine. but i never fell in love with you. why did you? what did i do to deserve such a noble, pure power like love? i’m the lower consciousness breed of people, the ones who seduce and act to fulfill the other person’s needs and expect them to do the same. i’ve never loved another person. momoko came close though–one exception.

soulmate

if i ask myself, do i love you?

i’d say, i think i ___ you.

i dont think its the trauma of saying i love you when i didn’t mean it.

i wonder what love is.

i care about you, that’s for sure. i’ve known you for so long that it’s impossible not to care about you. but love? it’s hard to say.

how do u define love? is it love when you care about someone, u feel their pain so much that u can’t bear to inflict more hurt on them anymore? is it love when you wish they could be happy? is it….love when you wished that they could be someone different? does it count as love when you don’t feel that happy with them, but you need them somehow? is it love when you think about telling them the truth, but you’re afraid it’ll be similar to seeing a person flying high up in the skies, but you just had to send a bomb their way?

is this love, or just affinity to one another?

i don’t think its love.

if u want to compare love, brandon came closer.

hapy birthday~

“Cursed with cancer, blessed with friends”–6 words Book

if it wasn’t for your sms..i wouldnt know i actually meant something to you guys. maybe u guys forgotten, but just saw the reminder in your midnight mail/hp in time to wish me hapy birthday. but i dun care. as long as i hav ur wishes, i’m already in cloud 9.

nug: come on..my hse is jst opposite QB..it cant be that hard to spot. But to tell the truth, even though i feel we aren’t as close before, please remember my msn pm: ‘I’m sorry i’m so distant. You still my number. I’ll be here whenever you need me.’

LC: hahaha, no worry, even tho i personally think your attitude can sometimes be a little LC, i’m still glad my ‘dear daughter’ wished me. hows the rest of the brood btw? hehe

monkey: now you silly, confusing, reserved, sexy, adorable tall monk, how should i say this? ours was the hate-at-first-sight encounter, but why did your words had such an effect on my feelings…how did you managed to stir up submerged emotions with just a few simple words? argh, forget it, there’ll be a full post on you soon.

LH: you’re in for a surprise on your birthday..hope you’ll like it..hehe. You know, i really wasn’t concentrating on the movie that day..too distracted by your hands, hahaha!

don: yes dear? sick again? you know, the same tactic aint gonna work honey..yes, of course, i’ll love to hear you sing again. Try and see if you can make me cry xp

M: ‘between love and pain’? well…you got it right anyway. at this rate, everybody is going to get hurt.

Smoky: hello uncle~~your cake is waiting, when are you coming by to collect it? hehe!

L: aiz. do you want the brutal truth? you stopped playing mysterious ages ago. and i’m just gonna be another vivien. our friendship would survive better as friends, you know?

YS: helo babe~what exactly are you hinting at with the ‘deepest DESIRES’ part of your wish?? my panties were wet when i came out of the cinema! god! it was like a mini foreplay or something…

Richie: i’m sorry..!