my friend

I didnt quite mean tat sort of expectations. Of course there are eternal friendships. I jst want to know, how far are you going with us? is the limit at friends?

Then we shall be friends, strictly platonic.

hard work

i have to let go.

nobody said it was going to be easy.

you probably wont understand.

you probably blame me for everything.

you probably think everything was fine, why did you have to go and mess it up?

which i have to admit, is true in the deepest section of my heart.

i mess up, because i can’t get what i want.

what do i want? i want you.

i dont want to be another friend you care for.

i dont want to be a personal friend. like the one in Chua-Soi-Lek-Scandal.

i want to have you, wholly to myself.

But i know that impossible. :smiles:

you never did promise me anything.

you never did say you wanted me by your side forever and ever.

you said, you wanted to be my friend.

and truthfully, that was what i should have settled for in the first place, instead of indulging in this pseudo lover illusion.

i’m such a laughing stock.

i’m sorry i blamed you. coz the fault lies with me, in the first place, doesnt it?

i should have been smarter.

i should have read your fine print closer.

just take my time.

i’ll forget about you someday.

-

I wonder if I can pick myself up after this.

Wonder if I’ll be the same.

There’s too much of me that was with him. It’s like we fused together. And, not or. If one of us left, the other would not be here either.

I don’t want to leave.

in case i never got to tell you..

i care for you, more than any friend i know. its not love, but its something equivalent, that’s close.

i dont feel comfortable calling it love because… i usually say i love you if i’m going to be with that person forever. and i know that with you, i cant.

and i probably dont want to, either.

the opposite of malleable

malleable opposite rigid.

but i prefer the word tough. coz it defines us more accurately.

last time it used to be malleable. it may be tough, the pressure may come on strong and tsunami-like, but it endures. it adapts, recreates our friendship and attracts us closer.

now it’s still strong. or is it tough?

we still are together. but it feels as if, we’ve gotten hard. In fact, if one day somebody picked us up and threw us to the floor, we’d break into a million tiny pieces. -PIANG- there goes our friendship. it doesnt go down the drain. coz that would be more natural, flowing and gradual sort of friendship. that depletes by itself. this one is more like it’s been stuck in the drain pipe for some time, clogged. Unable to go its natural course. coz we’re both so stubbornly loyal to each other.

so, is it time to let go?

does it make me the one who gave up the fight?

have i wronged all your efforts?

i know you mean well, that’s why you always advise me. but perhaps it works better for you. it doesn’t for me.

attraction; the complications

yes, i like you.

i like your large, warm hands. they calm me. like they can protect me. and when i imagine them holding my waist, i go bonkers internally.

i like your face. its just so annoyingly attractive.

i like your hair too. you look hensem with that gold colour. and your silver earring somehow completes the picture. don’t single earring means gay? hor~

why is it that i find you so attractive? damn.

i cant imagine you reading this. i suppose it would freak the crap out of you.

but in the end, its all juat an illusion isnt it? i don’t really love you. it was just a fake, harmless attraction.

if..

i was so nervous, surprised, flattered that he put me on webcam. All through the session, he was showing me off subtlely. he tit-grabbed zaheer, possibly blackmailed him to call me “cute”, spying on fellow hi-tech co-workers, called the obviously busy Guru over..

he said, “I thought you might’ve been very happy to see me indeed “

i would, if you were my lover. but in actuality, you don’t mean that to me at all. so should i be ecstatic to see you on webcam?

one thing though. he seemed healthy. you know, the glowing healthy kind of look. happy internally and externally. and here i thought he was sick, miserable and gloomy in KL.

je comprends

i trust in him. i trust in the force, in what guides me, in what has shown me the way.

ps: no, i’m not so noble as to love you. i haven’t reached it, not yet.

work like a bitch

What are you going to do hm?

so have you seen my facebook pm? have you figured out what it means? I can’t continue like this anymore. It may be alright now, but how long do you think it’ll last like that?

If there’s no point in something working out, there’s no point is working like a bitch over it either.

i’m not going in for the kill yet. i’m just telling you first before i do. i just want to see what you’ll do, then i’ll make my move.

If in doubt, don’t.

i’m learning.

i’m hopeless

i need you now.

Why? i dont know. Coz u are u?

i dont know why i need you.

you cant comfort me like u used to.

we have tension between us.

i find talking a chore.

we have mismatched timing.

i cant find anything to derieve from our friendship.

…maybe this is the end. it should be.

let’s preserve the good memories, okay?

and i can not need you.