..meaning me.

Why do you think i kept all brandon’s messages? for nostagic purposes? to look back and remember our sweet memories by?

No. i kept it as evidence. because i knew that something like this would happen, that one day S will come and talk to me. It’s what i’ve been fantasizing of. One day, S will realise something is terribly wrong with the man she’s dating, and she’ll seek me out, and over coffee i will spill every motherfucking secret to her. imagine her shock. imagine the anger, the humility. hehehehehehehehehehe!

But when life presented me with the chance to get even, to get my revenge for what he did to me, i kept my mouth shut. WHEN THE MOMENT CAME FOR ME TO SPEAK, I JUST MAINTAIN A DIGNIFIED SILENCE. audrey. you are too kind. men like him dont deserve it. you know he dont deserve it.

maybe its because i felt shameful. while somebody’s man is dating, i’m here in the car giving him a blowjob. i’m here doing everything i can to please him, silently calling him to come back to you. that you’re the right woman for him. but guess what, right woman or not, he still doesnt love you.

and also because, i felt that he loved her more than me. even before we broke up, i could feel that he’s was very protective over her. well. now i’m giving them the chance to be together and try to find happiness.

So don’t break my heart,
I ain’t never done nothing to deserve this
And I’m torn apart
You’ve had your fun, do you suppose I earned it?
Do you not see how I’m begging on my knees?
Don’t speak, don’t breathe,
You bring out the devil in me

for some reason, this song keeps playing in my head.

I had a suspicion
But didn’t want to believe you a liar
You had a mission to prove me right

yeah yeah, i’m a bad person. yeah i’m a bitch. if i’m such a bad person, why did you ever fall in love with me in the first place?

yeah, yeah, yeah i’m a bad person. yeah yeah yeah call me a bitch who plays with people’s feelings. Happy? Does it change anything? Does it unbreak a broken heart? Does it alter what has already happened? Seriously if name calling would solve anything, i would love you all to call me any names you want.

The next morning I woke up. I wanted to be rid of him. So I went online, opened my facebook account, and clicked his profile.

“AP is leaving regretfully. Have a happy new year and wishing everybody good luck.”

I saw somebody comment “Why regret?”

I went to my Friend’s list and deleted him.

Are you sure you want to delete AP? This cannot be undone. AP will not be notified.

Instead of hesitating, instead of feeling fucked-up like the past few days, I clicked yes. I saw his name disappear. I felt relieved. Not fucked-up guilty, hahaha.

I hope I won’t regret this, some time down the road. But for now, I don’t.

XDDDD

hi, again.

last paper is on monday. yeah. fuck me. it looks like a tough paper.

alex was right. you cost me too much. now i have to pick up the pieces and start anew again.

isnt that something like dying too?

he came to college today.

to practise his music. for their album. he’s cutting one with a friend.

and he was darnnnnnnnnnn late. joe said that when he was on the way, he’s still in the shower.

When i was about to leave, he went with me into the lift. We stood at opposite end; i went to left, he went to right.

*lift goes down one floor*

Silence.

*lift goes down another floor*

He moves. I half turn, looking at him almost expectantly. He said, don’t move, and hugged me from behind. He’s warm. And his hands are sweaty, they keep twitching nervously on my shoulders.

After that i sat in the office, waiting, thinking. I tried to recapture his warmth, the moment, and i feel more guilty. He loves me, but i don’t.

*edit 14/4/09*

I wonder how someone i barely noticed, could become so important to me now.  Time flew. Feelings fly even faster.

i think its pretty insignificant to write about this now.

its amazing you still care about me.

It made me feel…..happy. i think. i get this expansive,floating happy feeling in my heart when you asked: Wad happen? Ytd i saw…”so she’s ur back up huh?” “

Yes. i’m touched you cared. and i still love you.

mc_nugget90@hotmail.com sent 3/6/2009 10:23 PM:
okay…
mc_nugget90@hotmail.com sent 3/6/2009 10:23 PM:
and then waht happened?
audrey : a useless lp. says:
wat is the point of knowing anyway?
NuGgEt ^_^ says:
huh?
NuGgEt ^_^ says:
hahaha
NuGgEt ^_^ says:
am i actually getting it that you dont want me to know about this?
audrey : a useless lp. says:
no, i mean wats d point?
audrey : a useless lp. says:
wen u rather tell everything to yanshan
audrey : a useless lp. says:
and not to me
audrey : a useless lp. says:
coz u think i’ll spill ur secret to alex?
audrey : a useless lp. says:
and thn u wan to find out abt wat happened in my day

I mean, what’s the big deal?

If you won’t tell me about your stuff, why should i tell you about mine?

and this is what you left behind for me.

You never left.

You were always there inside me.

You’ve left a mark deep down in me.

You can’t see it, sometimes i pretend i cant see it too.

I draw your name on my wrist,

and i feel worse

to see the reminder that you’re still here.

it’s over. Let it be. He’d be happier without you around.

Come on. you know he’s not that weak.